Is that My Whiteness Talking, Or Am I Hearing My Inner Wisdom?

A practice to support you in finding wisdom hidden in an uncomfortable emotion:

1) Resentment is particularly fabulous teacher for those of us who lack firm boundaries and tend to overgive   Here’s a practice to help you follow its guidance.  

Step 1:  When you notice resentment rising, pause.  Assume that it’s a gift, a warning sign coming to alert you that you are off track.

Step 2: Take a deep breath and look back.  Notice when it was that you gave what you did not want to give, or maybe what you wanted to give, but just didn’t have the ability to give in that moment.   

Step 3: Reflect or journal for a bit looking for that “should” that’s usually lurking in the back behind the choice you made - the place where you decided you “had” to do whatever it was.  Once you find it, get curious about this “truth.” Ask yourself:

• Where did this “should” come from?

• Did I think I had no choice?  (Because we always have a choice.  We may not like the alternatives, but we always have a choice.)

• Is this belief helping me to be the kind of person I want to be?

• What might I do differently if I thought I had other options?

• What other options might there be, that are within my control?

Step 4:  Take responsibility for the choice you made. Let go of blaming other people.

Step 5: Shift course based on what you learn.

NOTE: I also share this practice in Chapter 4 of Feel Better Do Better.

Re-socializing our Inner Knowing

I will be the first to say that it’s not easy to learn how to distinguish between inner knowing and conditioned racial resistance.  In my experience, the task is especially difficult for women and other marginalized people who have been taught to distrust our inner knowing. That’s why I started this month talking about strengthening that connection by listening to our bodies, emotions and inner wisdom.  

But I’m also very aware that we can get stuck there.  Circling round and round inside ourselves seeking wisdom and healing and the magical day when we don’t feel afraid anymore, when we don’t get defensive when faced with critiques related to race, when our bodies no longer cause us to feel as if we are in great danger when we consider speaking up or speaking out.  Or when we are magically able to be patient enough to stay in a conversation with someone who isn’t as far down the path of anti-racist living as we are. The starting line is always just beyond reach. 

So what can we do?

In the book Our Problem, Our Path Eleonora Bartolli recommends doing a version of the Buddist Lovingkindness Meditation as a way to retrain our nervous systems to be able to empathize with others without collapsing. You can find guidance for this practice easily through a google search, but here’s a very basic summary:

1) Choose what version of the meditation you are going to use. I like: May you be happy. May you be well. May you be free from suffering.

2) Start by repeating it and sending the blessing towards yourself. (Bartoli shared that she stayed her for many months before she could expand beyond herself!)

3) Next repeat it and send it out to someone you love (doesn’t have to be a human)

4) Then to a neutral someone

5) Then to a difficult person (start relatively low-stakes)

6) Then to all living beings

Consistency of practice matters more than perfection. I’d love to hear about your experience!

This conversation between Krista Tippet and John Biewen “The Long View, I: On Being White” was recorded back in 2020, but is still very relevant today and provides a beautiful example of the imperfect, honest journeying we can do together.

Book: Playing Big: Find Your Voice, Your Mission, Your Message by Tara Mohr. This is an accessible, readable and practical book that I loved so much when I first read it I went on to train with Tara as a Playing Big Facilitator. I love the way she weaves her story within the broader context of being a woman living in patriarchy and then shares practical actions. I still return to this book often.

It includes a DIY Inner Mentor guided practice that I regularly use with clients.

My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies by Resmaa Menakem and Our Problem, Our Path: Collective Anti-racism for White People. Both contain practical information and practices and grace-filled, truth-telling stories.

Read and practice with others if you can - which could include asking for partners at our next Grace Gathering!

Resmaa Menakem @resmaamenakem on Insta

 Ali Michael on LinkedIn

Theme for English B by Langston Hughes

This poem shaped my life.  I first encountered it while attending high school in Columbus, Georgia after having had my first experience being a racial minority in a school classroom.  I’d love to know what you feel/see/hear as you read it.

Access it here through The Poetry Foundation.